Were We Honestly Trying to Catch This?
by Mieren
Summary: It could never happen, but I was having fun in class. Naruto is tormenting just about everybody for no good reason. R&R! May be more if I'm tempted...
1. Chapter 1

Were We Honestly Trying to Catch That?

-.-.-.

By Mieren

-.-.-.

This is a complete spoof. Nothing to do with the real series at all, but I'm having fun. And, yes, I know that neither Itachi nor Kisame would ever be such pushovers.

-.-.-.

"Fuck!"

"Kisame, be civil."

"Sorry, Itachi-san. I just thought it would be easier once we actually had him."

"Hah! You get nothing! Suck this!"

"How can he even hear us?"

"Quiet, brat," Itachi growled, feeling annoyed already. No matter what they did, they could not get Kyuubi free, ignoring the fox's seemingly endless supplies of vulgarities and outright obnoxiousness. No one in Akatsuki could get the furry beast to budge, and the more they tried, the louder that the little blond became.

Beating meant squalling.

Whipping meant squalling.

Starvation meant really loud squalling.

Poisoning meant really loud squalling and a filthy cell.

Forcibly removing hair by means of wax or tweezers meant squalling, followed promptly by hysterical laughter as it grew right back. Apparently, it tickled.

Injuries just healed too quickly to be taken seriously.

Handcuffs were picked without hesitation, despite the fact that the blond had no discernable means to pick locks. They made good projectiles too.

Removing his clothes to intimidate him resulted in four people being peed on.

Returning his clothes redefined flatulence.

He had no paper, but amazingly he did have spit wads.

Two people attempting to use the peephole for the first room had their eyes licked.

The new room with the 'safe' observation window was covered in butt prints.

Itachi had learned the definition of a wet willie.

For the average person, "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall" stopped being funny after the first chorus or two. Naruto had just started his seventeenth verse and showed no signs of stopping. Though he was just one person, he somehow managed rounds, a feat in singing that baffled the poor ninja to no end.

The longer he was tied, the worse it got.

"Gag him already," someone complained, throwing a handkerchief to one of the other ninja supposedly 'breaking' the fox boy.

"I wouldn't," Itachi muttered to himself, just watching.

GROWL! Grind-grind-grind. Hack! SPLAT!

"LOOGIE!"

"You little…"

"Wasn't he here for the first time they tried that?" Kisame asked incredulously. Word like that spread, and it spread fast. "I still remember the first time." Naruto could shoot a mouthful of slobbery cloth fifty feet, easy.

"Try it, jerk off! See what happens!"

"You're tied up, idiot. What are you going to do?"

"This."

CHUNCH!

"AAH!"

Itachi nodded. "Never raise your hands to an angry child. It leaves the groin exposed."

"Who actually brought him in?"

"A brunette man with some outlandish fascination in the Hokage's monument," Itachi answered absently, still to enthralled to look away. "He kept saying 'Clothes! The clothes have to be sculpted at the same time!' and then something about chocolate covered mocha beans. The man hurled him at Yuumi's head and stalked off."

"Yuumi?"

"He asked her what Akatsuki would do if they had him and never waited for an answer. The blond started laughing, so he just took aim and fired."

"What on earth did he do?" Kisame asked.

"I'm not exactly sure," the dark-eyed man admitted. "But until he either calms down or runs out of energy, we have no chance to get to Kyuubi."

"So you're just babysitting him until then?"

"No, you are."

"Me? Why me?"

"I'm not stupid enough to go in there again."

"Now I'm scared," Kisame said honestly.

Sigh. "I'll go in again if you will."

"Again?"

"Shut up."

-.-.-.

"Brat, we're here to…"

"Rooster-butt!" Naruto cheered. "You're back!"

"Rooster-butt?" Kisame echoed. "That's not too bad…"

"Just wait."

"Any-cock'll-do!" the blond roared.

"Is he actually suggesting…"

"Look! He's ribbed for your pleasure!"

"I think we should cut off his legs…"

"Why? We've already caught him."

"I need one to shove down his throat."

"And the other?"

"To cram up his ass."

"But my leg isn't ribbed!" Naruto whined.

"Do you know the most painful and humiliating way to die by human hands?" Itachi asked honestly.

"Uh… unclipped toenails?"

"Toe… nails?"

"If you're going to shove a foot up my ass…"

"Has no one thought to cut his tongue out?" Kisame wondered loudly. He pulled out a kunai with clear intent and advanced on the blond.

"Kisame-san?" a nervous looking ninja said.

"What?" he snapped.

"His arms appear to be at the wrong angle for manacles…"

That was all it took to distract the ugly man for the millisecond that it took to happen. There was a muffled snicker followed by two clicks and retreating footsteps. Itachi vanished in pursuit. Kisame just looked down to his poor hands bound together, one from his front and one from behind, crushing his nuts.

"The keys?" he asked stiffly, getting no answer as an obnoxious voice filtered through the old building they were using to hide.

"Ninety-nine little bronze keys to flush down!"

BA-WOOSH!

"I'll find a plunger," the younger man said with a sigh.

"No use," Itachi panted. "Let's just go and hope he doesn't follow us."

"And the keys?" Kisame asked irately.

"Hey!" a young voice yelled from across the building. "Is this superglue?"

The eyes of every Akatsuki member met in instant agreement. They ran like hell.

-.-.-.

OWARI (maybe)

Review! You know you liked it!

Mieren


	2. Chapter 2

Were We Honestly Trying to Catch That?

Part 2

-.-.-.

By Mieren

-.-.-.

This is still a complete spoof. Nothing to do with the real series at all, but I'm having fun. And, yes, I know that neither Kabuto nor Orochimaru would ever be such pushovers.

-.-.-.

"The kitsune boy?"

"Yes," Kabuto confirmed.

"Why is he here?"

"Sasuke dropped him off with a note stapled to his forehead."

Orochimaru blinked. Of all people, Sasuke had dropped him off? Why on earth had his new body delivered the loudmouth blond to him?

"What did the note say?"

Kabuto studied the hastily scrawled message.

"#$& RAMEN!" he finally decided.

"That's all?"

"There's a lot more, but I can't make it out clearly."

"It says to lick my ass!" Naruto roared.

"Be quiet," Orochimaru ordered, only mildly stunned that the teenager could hear him in the first place.

"Lick me!"

Kabuto glared at the closed door. "Keep yelling and he might oblige!"

"RIM JOB!"

"If you don't kill him, I will," Kabuto muttered.

"Threesome!"

"No wonder Sasuke ditched him," Orochimaru said flatly.

"What the hell has he been eating?" Kabuto mused, trying to find a logical reason for his hyperactivity.

"RAMEN!"

"Is there an 'off' switch?" Kabuto asked in all seriousness.

"Off? Can I get off?"

"Shut up!" Orochimaru called.

"Then how will I get off?"

"With a foot up your ass if you don't be quiet!"

"But you're not ribbed!"

"Ribbed?" Kabuto asked softly. Orochimaru shrugged.

"How should I know?" the snake-nin hissed at his friend.

"Try asking, ya pedophile!"

"Pedophile?"

"Shut up, Kabuto."

"He gave rooster-butt a hickey!" Naruto hollered helpfully.

"And he's giving me a headache," Kabuto muttered.

"Just kill him already," Orochimaru griped.

"Feel free," the younger man muttered. "I'm not going in there."

"Throw something!" the snake-nin said in exasperation.

"Throw this!" Naruto thrust his hips at them.

"Bite me!" Kabuto said firmly.

"Where?"

"What…" Orochimaru started.

"The longer we have him, the worse he's been getting. Throwing things just leads to him dodging, throwing them back, or knocking them away with weird… techniques."

"What's wrong with him?"

"Close as I can tell from this distance, and no, I will not go closer, the fox went into heat and it made him insane."

"He's a child," Orochimaru scoffed. "How bad can he be?"

"Have you ever had a swirlie?"

"What's a swirlie?"

"That's what I asked," Kabuto grumped.

A guard staggered from the room, arms clutched across his chest.

"What is it?" Orochimaru rasped.

"I asked him what a purple nurple was, sir!" the man gasped. "Watch out for him! He has my keys and he's in the ventilation!"

"This is a cave! We don't have ventilation!"

"We do now!"

Kabuto slapped his forehead. "What's he doing?"

"He mentioned chili and enemas," the man gasped.

Orochimaru snorted. "He doesn't have _chili_ or _enemas_ on him!" An ear-piercing shriek from across their hiding place contradicted him rather quickly. Three sets of eyes met.

"Leave this for someone else to find?" Orochimaru asked calmly.

"Damn straight," Kabuto muttered.

Every standing ninja ran for their lives and sanity.

-.-.-.

OWARI (maybe)

Review! You know you liked it!

Mieren


	3. Chapter 3

Were We Honestly Trying to Catch That?

Part 3

-.-.-.

By Mieren

-.-.-.

This is still a complete spoof. Nothing to do with the real series at all, but I'm having fun. And, yes, I know that Kakashi would never be such a pushover.

-.-.-.

"And I have him why?" Kakashi asked, dumbfounded. Under one arm was a pissed off blond teenager.

"Sakura was tired of playing with him," Tsunade replied.

"Why did Sakura have him?"

"She was poking me with sharp shit!"

"Sakura has reached a stage in her training that she needs to practice healing on real people…"

"Ha! Hear that pervert! I'm a real person, NOT a gibbon's left testicle!"

"You were cutting him?" Kakashi asked, stunned.

"No, I just waited for him to get hurt…"

"No, you lied to Sasuke to make him mad!"

"Really?" Now this had teasing material written all over it.

"She told him that I said he had a big fat ass."

"Did you?"

"No! She said he had a big fat ass! I said we should paint nipples on his butt so he could pose for the Hokage monument!"

"No wonder he hit you," Kakashi commented drolly.

"And you can see why I didn't take him to Jiraiya."

"He thought it was funny!"

"Uh huh," Kakashi said noncommittally. "And I have him why?"

"Wear him out and then beat him up and bring him back to the hospital!"

"Have Sasuke beat him up."

"Sasuke would kill him right now…"

"Oh God, what'd he do?"

"While they fighting, Naruto managed to get one of his clones to sneak in with a camera. He pantsed Sasuke, snapped a photo and then ran off laughing like a lunatic…"

"Can this _get_ worse?"

"He gave the camera to Ino and told her what was on it…"

"And she took it to make copies!" Naruto hiccupped. "There are more than four thousand copies of Sasuke's butt all over Kohana!"

"And you're still alive?"

"He's too busy collecting them to worry about me."

"Not entirely. Why do you think you were in the hospital with Sakura working on you?" Tsunade said, rolling her eyes. "By the way, wait at least a few hours before you return him to the hospital. Quite a few people are still mad."

"I'm not sure I want to ask why."

"Dipped the catheters in lemon juice," Naruto announced proudly. "It caused the orderlies to get peed on."

"Kakashi…"

"Inflicting pain on injured people…"

"I didn't hurt them, just pissed them off."

"Kakashi…"

"And if you can't get this photo thing cleared up with Sasuke in time for our next mission…"

"KAKASHI!"

"WHAT?"

"That's not Naruto! You have a clone!"

Blond eyebrows waggled and the teenager vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Great," the jounin groused. "When did he do that?"

"When I told you that the hospital was still mad."

"Ooh… hot glue gun…" echoed from somewhere in Kakashi's house.

"Have to go," Tsunade said quickly, vanishing in a blast of smoke.

"Great," Kakashi muttered.

-.-.-.

"Here foxy, foxy, foxy…" Kakashi chanted, cast-iron skillet in hand. It was the only non-lethal thing that he could find in his house in his state of mind.

FWING! SPLUT!

"Damn it!" he growled, hit again.

Some how, some way, Naruto had managed to Crisco an enormous rubber band so that he could fill the inner curve with hot glue and send hot crap flying everywhere at almost mach speeds. If Kakashi's hair hadn't stood on end before, it did now, and this time not intentionally.

JINGLE-JINGLE! FWING! SPLUT!

Seventeen coins were now glued to Kakashi's face, mask long gone when a mega load of glue had succeeded in plastering the poor fabric to the wall.

"What in the hell have you been eating!" he roared.

"Iruka-sensei's double mocha java chip ice cream!"

"Naruto…" Twitch. "Caffeine." Twitch.

Desperate to get the brat out of his house before more damage was done, the jounin charged down the hall to his room where he'd last heard the menace's voice. What on earth…

It was amazing what one could do with twelve rolls of duct tape and no sanity whatsoever. The entire room was gray, sticky side up. To make matters worse, both of his feet were touching the stickiness, locking him in place. Oh, he could move, but that would bring down the entire lattice of the psycho's web. Even if he teleported, the mess would follow, already being attached to his feet.

FWING!

"Shit…"

SPLUT!

The slight impact was all it took to bring down the conglomerate of tape down on the frustrated jounin. A new sticky spot adorned the back of his skull. He was tied up and above all, sticky. His red eye ticked.

BONG!

"Now you're going back to the hospital," he growled.

-.-.-.

"YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ICE CREAM AGAIN!" a voice roared over the phone before the connection went dead.

"What was that about?" Iruka wondered.

-.-.-.

OWARI (maybe)

Review! You know you liked it!

Mieren


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